I turn 30 tomorrow.
Tonight, instead of relaxing and enjoying the rest of my twenties and perhaps my last hangover for a while- I cleaned. I cleaned all the procrastination of my twenties away and purged any indecision. I manically scrubbed the floor of my tub wondering what the next decade will look like. I washed clothes and donated the ones that I didn’t think aligned with who I think I’ll be in my thirties. I did all the things I’ve been avoiding for a year to then avoid the feeling of what is to come. My Thirties.
I’m not vain or precious about age, it’s not that. It’s that I constantly hear a little voice in my head saying, “wait I wasn’t ready yet!” I feel like I’m still so young and there is so much to learn and yet my parents had a daughter at this age, my friends have children and I’m still insecure about whether I’m a good enough dog mom. I’m confused as to when the ownership sinks in. My mom tells me she still feels 40 and she’s almost 70. What a cruel prank our bodies play on us. Or maybe it’s beautiful? That despite it all, how heavy life can be, how hard decisions are to make and the nightmares that haunt us, we continue to stay light and youthful. We choose the wonder of this world.
There is so much to do and so many places I thought I would be while still being content because I wouldn’t change the path to get here. My entire life has pivoted this year to something I had never imagine but I think that’s the fun of it all. You put the things out there you want and life matches up the puzzle pieces.
I feel so lucky to be healthy and able. I feel so lucky that in 30 years I have loved so many friends and partners and people along the way. I have a dog who has taught me at tremendous amount about myself in the past 4 years. I hope that 30 is like finally coming home to myself. That I am able to find a stillness in the storm that is life and find ways, in peace, to at least slow down the mph just for just a second. To spend less time in front of screens and more time in MY life. I pride myself in living life to the fullest and sometimes, that’s a lot of pressure, but ultimately I want to live life to the brim. I want to look back and see it swelling over with joy and laughter and funny stories and boundless love and so many phenomenal friends. I want to see sequins and feathers and unbridled women who propel me forward everyday.
There is so much life to be lived and yet, there is so much life I have already lived and I am only 30. What a gift.