My girlfriends raised me in the ways my mother couldn’t. Not because she was incapable but because it would have been inappropriate. That’s when your friends step in, to fill those moments.
Girlfriends are for all the impossible moments and delights. They’re around for the bridesmaid speeches and the harrowing tails of the one month casualty that you can’t stop rehashing. They escort you in those moments between girlhood to womanhood to motherhood, without judgement and so much pride alongside you. I have been so lucky to have a life filled with brilliant friends. I think because my sister died, my cup runneth over in that way. My female friendships are probably my most accomplished feat and at the top of my resume. I would also argue that female friendships are the most painful and tragic breakups but that’s because of all the love that is poured in while never fearing an end because that seems unfathomable.
My two best friends from high school are the reason my soul was formed, I am convinced. Neil deGrasse Tyson has his theories and I have my own. Cosmically, I combusted when I met them. They shape shifted me into the personality I am now. Bri Harding walked into the first day of 8th grade in hot pink stilettos. Taylora Christensen told everyone I shaved my mustache during the fire drill (something I shared in confidence, btw). They allowed me the space to be wild and free and burn rainbow candles on wine bottles and paint topless and light incense and sing and break up with same boy over and over again. They were always there yet at the same time, doing just their own version of that and yet we never felt abandoned. I look back at those days as the fullest, biggest version of life. Bri will smoke a cigar and I will cry because it forces me to face the reality of our fragile existence after my sister’s death and then we will drive to her grave to grieve and be met with, what I’m still convinced, was a ghost. Or a raccoon. Taylora blasting FUN in the car on the way to harass our crush that worked at Urban Outfitters. Then we’ll drive my car to our last day of senior year while she brushes her teeth in the passenger seat and spits out the window. Then wins Prom Queen.
My friends that I’ve found later in life have single handedly done all the heavy lifting. When people say to “pick yourself up by your bootstraps”, that’s code for ‘cry on your friend’s couch with a wild look in your eyes until one of them gives you any semblance of direction or guidance based off their own experience’. Being friends is exhausting because it’s just negotiating stories for possibly different outcomes, but still with risk. It’s essentially science. Friendships are equations based on experience. We all have our hypothesis but no one really knows the answer.
Sarah Derry greeted me with a dry joke and a love for the Museum of Death that I was eager to understand. She ordered a shitty drink and asked me about my sister, one she never knew. She dabbled in the uncomfortable questions and made jokes that allowed me to feel safe to be seen. She answers 9/10 FaceTimes despite me declaring that “nobody cares”. She flies to Iowa to party in my hometown. To reiterate, she took days off of work to be in IOWA when she could have been anywhere else. Anytime I’m near her, I have to love on her because she’s the perfect human who has coached me through my twenties in a big city and been so patient with every catastrophe.
Gloria thinks and declares. She announces her opinion with such conviction that allowed me to find her like a magnet and connect. She decides and executes and there’s no stopping that mind. She carries empathy like a weapon and wears it so lovingly. She’s reliable and strong and matter of fact and a pivotal anchor as to what friendship is.
It’s just, for me, this is the point. It’s the takeaway. When my life flashes in front of my eyes, despite all the heartbreaks, all I see is love. And women carrying me, and us carrying each other. Some people think that men lift the heavy shit, and they can, but I’d say women do all the heavy lifting. Because, after all, it is the weight of the world. They have the patience to hear the stories 1000 times and see it with a critical, new perspective every time and ensure you’ve been heard. They are the most gentle with your heart and the most direct with your mind. And for me, they are my everything.